▪ Dear Santa

   

   

LIFE, A PERFECT MESS

I don't always position myself in the same place in relation to life. I see it from different angles. Worth nothing/worth everything. I stand here on this spot and then I'm standing over there. What you can do and achieve means nothing at times. It always depends.

Like right now, a different angle, lying on the floor and staring at the wall. It's a hot evening, December has just started, and the floor is the only thing that can cool me off. It's a nice contrast, hot chest/cold back, and I'm looking at a wall, I'm looking at life from a different point now.

This is not a kid anymore. Look at him. Is he 20? 25 already? He stopped writing letters to Santa ages ago. Yet, he's written one again tonight. He's asking for his mum to be with him on Christmas Eve. He'll give it to his mum and ask her to post it for him. He doesn't know if it'll do the trick, if she'll change her mind (there's still time, maybe?) and go, break the barrier, fight back, just be there with him. He's not writing it down, but he's actually asking Santa to make her strong enough to win, to give her the courage to say "Fuck you, depression", to see life from other angles, not just that one.

But lying on the floor we can see things differently. Look! From this angle life is brilliant. I've never been in a more stable situation. Everything working fine, big decisions being taken, moving on. So well, so safe, everything so perfectly laid at my feet. If I go over personal projects, professional life and ease of mind, I've never been in a better position. Worth everything. But that's just one angle.

Let's say you are no longer lying on the floor, you stand up. From this other angle, things get a bit more complicated. You are full of questions. Simple questions. Like why, when and who. But such simple questions can drive you crazy, like when there are no answers, and who wouldn't feel scared then? Thinking of future things to come, good things (the ones that matter) don't clearly appear upfront. It doesn't mean they won't exist, but you just can't see any sign of them. Some not-so-good things do make clear signs of getting closer. It's that kind of rain that can ruin the whole picture. Like reading no books. Having no lines to write. Worth nothing.

How can we combine all the knowledge, all the understanding of dukkha, of happiness, of purpose in life, all the awareness and self-assurance obtained through meditation, how can we combine it all into a simple state of mind? How can we see things from all angles at the same time? We have no Aleph this time, no secret salvation. But it's ok. It's ok. We repeat again and again, blinking and switching from one angle to the other. It's ok, don't you worry.

It doesn't matter if we start talking about me, or if we talk about him, this grown-up kid, or if we talk about you, or us. What matters is that life is anything and everything. It's what you see and what you don't see. Its meaningfulness shifts constantly. Things can go perfect and awful at the same time. And there's even more to it than you will ever get.

Just lie down, look carefully, stand up, blink your eyes and keep moving. In the end, life is that easy.

  

(2014)